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David Pibworth | The Blog

ACTOR, WRITER, PRODUCER AND DIRECTOR

Good Night, Thank You, And May Your God Go With You

Jokes from my recent after-dinner talk ...

 
 

POSTED BY DAVID PIBWORTH ON 29/11/2016 @ 8:00AM

Last week, I said I'd publish the script of the after-dinner talk I gave and a couple of people have actually held me to this, so I should just say that I'll list the jokes rather than the preamble and the bits in between ...

I told a lot of jokes and got a good response from the young farmers.

I told a lot of jokes and got a good response from the young farmers.

copyright: sifotography / 123rf stock photo (licensee)

When I got there, I was told the talk only needed to be about 10 minutes, when I had thought they wanted 20 minutes, so I just cut out some jokes. The bracketed comments are the reaction, as I always note down what went well or not.

Remember, I adjust the jokes I tell dependent on the audience and indeed the audience reaction, so here goes:

  • They say you are invited to be guest speaker at the YF Dinner and Dance twice in your career. Once on your way up and once on your way down. So it's lovely to have been invited back. (GOOD LAUGH)

  • As I stood in front of the mirror this morning admiring my naked body, I thought ... I'm going to be thrown out of IKEA soon. (LAUGH)

  • How can you tell if someone is a vegan? Don't worry, they'll bloody tell you. (BIG LAUGH - COUNTRY AUDIENCE)

  • I've been requested not to talk about religion or politics (LAUGH) which reminded me of the old couple sitting in a very crowded church and during the vicar's sermon, the old lady lent over to her husband and whispered "I've just let out a very long, very wet, silent fart. What should I do?" and he whispered back, "Replace the batteries in your hearing aid." (BIG LAUGH)

  • And politics, well, I have a love-hate relationship with them. When our local MP got in, I wrote to him and said, "Can I write your political speeches for you" and he wrote back a very short and sharp letter which said, "No, you can't" and he couldn't even spell that properly (MUTED LAUGH AS I GOT THE TIMING AND PHRASING SLIGHTLY WRONG, BUT SOME PICKED UP ON IT)

  • I've heard the YF's club is a bit of a marriage bureau, so all you youngsters have a good time while you can and the only advice I give you is not to rush the great enjoyment of the forbidden fruit. If you drink, smoke and have sex at 16, then all you have left to look forward to is driving a heavy goods vehicle. (BIG LAUGH)

  • Also, you will all attend a number of weddings when you're about 25 and if you're single, especially the girls, you'll find ancient aunts coming up to you and saying "Ooooooh, I expect you'll be next". Oh, they go on and on ... "Ooooh, yes, I expect you'll be next". Get your own back on them by saying exactly the same thing to them ... at funerals. (BIG LAUGH)

  • Well, anyway, I'm here as guest speaker to tell you a joke and then let you get on with the drinking and dancing, so here goes. I sat down this afternoon at home to think of the best joke I could that had been told to me by a young farmer. "It was snowing and hailing. My wife was sitting there looking mournfully through the window. If it gets much worse, I'll have to let her in." (BIG LAUGH, EVEN BY MY WIFE)

  • Actually I once went to a YF's party many years ago and a girl said to me shall we play hide and seek and I said yes. She said "I'll hide, you count to 100 and then if you find me then we can make wild passionate love all night". I said "Great. What happens if I can't find you?" She said, "I'll be behind the piano." (LAUGH)

  • Anyway,the best joke I heard was in The Swan pub in Newport Pagnell, which incidentally is close to where I had my first job which was an assistant at a chemist. On my first day, the chemist went for lunch at 1 o'clock and told me not to give anything out while he was away. When he came back at 2, he asked me if anyone had been in and I said just one person who had a bad cough. "Is he coming back" enquired the chemist. I said "No. I just gave him a couple of spoonfuls of that stuff up there as it smelt strong". The chemist was aghast. He said, "That is the strongest and quickest working laxative known to mankind". I said "Well, it seems to be working" and he said "How do you work that out" and I said, "Well, he's standing on the other side of the road hanging onto that lamp post and he hasn't coughed for 10 minutes". (BIG LAUGH)

  • So I got the sack and then worked as a circumcisers mate, but that only paid twelve quid a week - plus tips (LAUGH)

  • so I went and worked in the chip shop, but got the sack from there as I was caught with my finger in the potato peeler. To be fair, she got the sack as well ... the potato peeler. (BIG LAUGH)

  • Anyway, where was I, oh yes, the joke. (I NAME A PERSON IN AUDIENCE KNOWN BY MOST PEOPLE THERE - FRAN LOAKE - FOR HE IS KNOWN TO BE A CYCLIST). He fell off his bike and cut his willy off in the spokes. He found it, put it in his pocket and got on a bus and went to the hospital and said to the doctor, "Can you sew my penis back on please" and the Doc said "I probably can if you have it with you" and Fran said "Oh yes I have it" and he firkled about in his pocket and pulled it out and put it on the table. The Doc said "That looks to me very much like a Manekin cigar" and Fran said "Bugger, I think I smoked it on the bus." (BIG LAUGH)

  • Oh doctor jokes, so good. "Doctor, doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum." and the doc said "I've got some cream for that." (LAUGH)

  • "Doctor, doctor, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse." The doc said "How's That?" (as in Howzat). (BIG LAUGH)

  • A man goes to a psychiatrist wearing only cling film underpants and the psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see your nuts." (BIG LAUGH)

  • Anyway, I'm going to tell one last joke. I didn't know how far I could go or what I could get away with so I phoned the organiser, Fiona and said what can I get away with here with this audience and she said "Fuck knows." Well if she doesn't know I thought I'd better be a bit careful. (BIG LAUGH)

  • Do you know the MC, Richard Duncombe (HE IS WELL KNOWN LOCALLY AND AT THIS EVENT) He's very well known. I was walking through London with him, and suddenly Johnny Depp came running up, asking Richard for acting tips, and Richard said "Don't worry Johnny, I'll be in touch". I was amazed, but before I could do anything, Theresa May jumps out of a car; the PM! She comes up to Richard and says "Richard can you give me a few tips on Brexit and Corbyn and how to cope with Trump. I'm at a bit of a loss and you're such a help." "Yes, yes, yes" says Richard "I'll email you some pointers" and of she went. Then the Queen pulls up, opens her window and says "Oh Richard, do come round to the palace at some point to discuss the refurbishment and we'll have a gin and chat about horses." "Yes, Maam, I'll be round when I get a moment." Well, I was amazed at his sheer wealth of contacts. We then went on holiday to Italy and were standing in the crowd in Vatican Square watching the pope on the balcony, and I said to Richard "I bet even you don't know him" and Richard said "Oh, yes, I was going to go and have a quick catch up with his holiness" and with that he disappears. About 10 minutes later there he was. Up on the balcony with the Pope. I was so amazed that I just turned to the man standing next to me and said "You see that chap up there?" and he said "Who? Richard Duncombe or the twat with the white hat on?" (BIG LAUGH)

  • Good night, thank you and may your God go with you.

So that was it. About 12 minutes. I can do more or less offensive talks, but that one did the trick, and I was happy, and so were they.

It just goes to prove you can wheel out old jokes and don't have to come over as clever. I leave the satire and urgency to others. A nod to all those who told me the jokes, or inspired me to write a little line or two, and I move on to the next job.

Until next time ...

DAVID PIBWORTH


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More about David Pibworth ...

David is the owner of David Pibworth Productions (DPP) which provide corporate entertainment and also actors for corporate training and development.

Having worked in the Light Entertainment field for many years and produced shows for Al Murray & Joe Pasquale amongst others, David is in a position to advise on well-known comedy and musical acts. DPP also represent Ray Galton and Alan Simpson's scripts which include Hancock's Half Hour and Steptoe and Son.

He is the director of MK Theatre of Comedy who are very well known locally for their stage adaptations of classic comedy scripts such as Fawlty Towers, The Vicar of Dibley, Allo Allo and many others.

He is a long-standing member of Equity and the Directors Guild of Great Britain and has acted in, and directed, many productions over the years, mainly in Light Entertainment, but with occasional forays into Shakespeare etc. Every Christmas he is contracted as an Ugly Sister in Cinderella, currently with 'That's Entertainment' who also use him as a director.

He teaches eccentric magic for The Pauline Quirke Academy and MKTOC also run a youth drama school in Olney from the DPP offices.

David maintains his busy lifestyle is a surefire way to avoid being on any committees. He is married to Julie, and they have one daughter, Esther and live in Clifton Reynes, surrounded by dogs, cats and horses. They live so close to the church that David has instructed his daughter - when he dies and not before - to fire him over the wall from a circus cannon.


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